Question for you about Facebook "etiquette." Updates on p1 and p2.

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Posted 6/30/2013 by Zella in NSBR Board
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Zella
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:30:46 PM
If I post something that I know is likely to be seen as offensive to some, I expect to see a negative comment or two. Even if this is, say, a photo or comment about something personal.

For example, if I posted a photo of myself holding a sign outside an abortion clinic, no matter what it said. And no matter what I wrote beneath the photo.

Would you agree with this?

I'm wondering because apparently I am an "asshole" for posting a derisive comment under a photo of an acquaintance teaching a 9 year old to fire an assault weapon.

To me, you post such a thing, you put on your big girl (or big boy, in this case) panties and deal with it. Or am I supposed to just ignore and say nothing because it is an asshole thing to put a negative comment on a personal post?

I don't want this to be subject specific, but rather a general rule.

If I'm wrong I'll apologize. If not, I'll let stand the message I sent to him defending my response.

Thanks!


Trying to live each day for itself


Comeonalready
BucketHead

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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:36:05 PM
Yes, I think you were rude to post a negative comment on someone else's photo - especially one of their child.

To me, Facebook is more like coffee hour while message boards (such as two peas) is more like a debate club. Not everywhere on the internet is a proper place to voice your opinion, and a photo on Facebook of someone else's child is not a proper place. Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

If you can't say something nice on someone else's Facebook, don't say anything at all.

voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:36:57 PM
I don't see facebook as a forum to debate hot topics. If someone posts something I disagree with I ignore it. To me, that is why there is only a "like" button and not a "dislike" button as well. They aren't asking your opinion. They are sharing their activity. It isn't up to you to approve, correct or censor it.


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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:37:17 PM
I guess it wouldn't surprise me if I posted a picture of something that someone would find controversial and they responded negatively. Personally, I just pass it by. To me, a person's page is sort of like their home.....they can decorate it however they choose, and if I don't like it I just don't comment either way.

There would be exceptions to that for times when people are actually seeking input.....there is a local radio person who puts questions of a sometimes controversial nature on his page and encourages response. In those cases, I think you have to expect that not all response will be positive.

*~*amanda*~*
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:39:14 PM
I wouldn't have said anything.



ilovebuble
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:39:25 PM
Anything you put online is welcome to criticism. It doesn't matter if it is a message board post, an fb photo or a tweet. The Internet is public and forever, regardless of privacy settings.

Mignonne
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:39:34 PM
I agree with Volt.



Burning Feather
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:44:07 PM
I see everyone's FB page like their living room. I'm invited to visit and chat it up, but I'm not going to criticize the pictures they put on their walls or the decorating decisions they make. If they are offensive enough to me, then I just don't go to their living room anymore.

And if you act like a jerk in MY living room, you get kicked out too.



Carla




Simply_Lovely
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:47:48 PM
If you posted a picture of you protesting in front an abortion clinic, I'd probably unfriend you and move on. If it was gay-bashing or racial slur, I'd call you out for sure and then unfriend you.

In the example you posted, if it's a close enough friend they wouldn't react that way in the first place and know I wasn't being rude. If its not a close friend I wouldn't comment at all and roll my eyes (assuming I disagreed with teaching a 9 year old to properly handle a weapon ). Basically, you were in the wrong in this instance, IMHO.




Meow!

beachgurl
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:51:47 PM
Dying to hear what you felt was appropriate to post.




CarolT
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Posted: 6/30/2013 5:58:37 PM
If it's something I would say to the person's face, in a public setting, I'll respond similarly on Facebook.

If it's something I feel the need to say, but wouldn't say it in public, I send a personal message (if I feel the need to say something).

Usually, I just roll my eyes (privately) and scroll on past things that bother me.


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enjoytotheend
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:04:25 PM
Unless a child is clearly in danger I don't say anything. If he or she were I would send an email. For example, a child improperly restrained in a car seat I may send an email to my friend depending on the relationship.

SweetiePie Pea
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:09:11 PM
I would have probably rolled my eyes but said nothing. While I don't take offense to someone teaching THEIR child to responsibly handle firearms (no matter the type) I would also believe they realized to some degree that it would inflame some people. If it was me
Posting the photo I would have just deleted the negative comment LOL


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candleangie
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:13:55 PM

am I supposed to just ignore and say nothing because it is an asshole thing to put a negative comment on a personal post?


I think A-hole is too strong of a word for it, but yes. I do think that facebook is not the forum for that kind of comment.


The blog, finally resurrected!





KikiNichole

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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:17:03 PM
So, Facebook is a 'living room' where debate is frowned upon and dissenting opinion unwelcome....

UNLESS the pictures hanging on your wall happen to be offensive to your boss...then you can lose your job?

Can't have it both ways.

I say if you're going to put it out there, you need to be prepared, and equipped, to defend it.


~Kristen~

beachgurl
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:20:41 PM
This is why you need to only have REAL friends as facebook friends, and privacy settings that don't allow others to see photos.




karmatir
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:24:23 PM
KikiNichole makes an excellent point. Where do you draw the line? Why is some ok and some not but your expected to silence yourself when you cross that imaginary line one way or the other?


~Missy

voltagain
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Posted: 6/30/2013 6:43:28 PM
So, Facebook is a 'living room' where debate is frowned upon and dissenting opinion unwelcome....

UNLESS the pictures hanging on your wall happen to be offensive to your boss...then you can lose your job?

Can't have it both ways.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sure you can have it both ways. FB is my living room. I invite in who I want. You can use it to get to know me better or you can beret me for my life choices in which case I withdraw my invitation to you by changing up the settings so you don't see anything or unfriend you. I don't invite my bosses as friends so they can't use my personal life to fire me. The only things they know about me is the face I present at work.


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Saidfraz
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:02:46 PM
I say it's ok to say what you want on *your* page but don't push your agenda on *my* page.



dcasta
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:08:11 PM
I will tell you what I hate about facebook. Today there was a horribly tragic accident here. A family of 4(including a teen and a toddler) was killed instantly in a head on collision in what is believed to be drunk driving accident(the other driver). A passenger in that car also died.

Someone apparently found out who died and posted on facebook. So incredibly stupid as names had not been released. Why do people like to be the first to post things?? I did not come here this morning to post about the accident. What for?? I am just angry at the ignorant person who felt the need to be "first". Such a sad day here.


Zella
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:11:49 PM
Well this has turned into an interesting debate.

I would happily tell you what my comment was, but when I went to delete it (which was before I returned to this thread), it had already been deleted.

Clarification: the child was this person's nephew, apparently. And I NEVER say anything negative about a child! I would not do that. My words were clearly towards the adults. Also this person is an acquaintance in real life, not a friend per se.

Like most, I have my hot button issues. I ignore 99% of the time. This time I didn't.

I sent him a message telling him I shouldn't have commented on a personal thread.

Would I have said this in person to him? Yes. If we'd been at a party, say, and he said in conversation that he'd had a great day at the gun range teaching his young nephew to shoot an automatic weapon I would have been appalled, and said so.

I am not the kind to hide behind Facebook, but neither am I out to piss everyone off.

So thanks for the comments and thoughts, and I really welcome and appreciate all input.


Trying to live each day for itself


Sue_Pea
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:14:02 PM
I agree with your opinion. But I scroll past that stuff. I'm not going to change their minds, so what is the point?


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Zella
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:14:07 PM

Posted: 6/30/2013 7:08:11 PM
I will tell you what I hate about facebook. Today there was a horribly tragic accident here. A family of 4(including a teen and a toddler) was killed instantly in a head on collision in what is believed to be drunk driving accident(the other driver). A passenger in that car also died.

Someone apparently found out who died and posted on facebook. So incredibly stupid as names had not been released. Why do people like to be the first to post things?? I did not come here this morning to post about the accident. What for?? I am just angry at the ignorant person who felt the need to be "first". Such a sad day here.



That is so terrible, so very, very sad.

What drunk drivers do, and get away with, is mind-boggling.

And the posting to FB just adds insult to injury and shows a horrible lack of compassion.


Trying to live each day for itself


Comeonalready
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:19:08 PM

If we'd been at a party, say, and he said in conversation that he'd had a great day at the gun range teaching his young nephew to shoot an automatic weapon I would have been appalled, and said so.


That would be extremely rude!

If someone asked an opinion on teaching kids to shoot, and you gave yours, fine. But if someone shares something they enjoyed, and you turn it negative - no one likes that.

It would be like if someone said they had a good day hunting and you launched into why you think hunting is wrong. Or if someone said they were excited about the new iPad they got this weekend and you started telling them buying from Apple is wrong because of their labor issues in China. Etc

Your opinion isn't wrong, but the timing and setting for sharing it is. If you truly are the type of person that would say that at a party, you'd be a real PITA to be around.

Burning Feather
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:26:50 PM

If we'd been at a party, say, and he said in conversation that he'd had a great day at the gun range teaching his young nephew to shoot an automatic weapon I would have been appalled, and said so.


Holeeee Crap.

You were in the wrong. Completely.

Your opinion wasn't asked for and what the person did with THEIR family member is (a) not illegal and (b ) none of your business to comment on.

If you disagree with their lifestyle or political/social/religious views then you need to either stuff a sock in it or remove yourself from being in a position to know about it.

This was not a conversation in person where they asked you what you thought about it. It was someone posting a picture and saying they had a good time with a family member and you pissed all over it. In public. In front of other people.

I'd defriend you in a hot second and I would seriously consider whether I wanted to be "in person" friends with someone who can't figure out what the boundary lines are.


Carla




cropduster
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:26:53 PM
If it's something that I don't agree with, I ignore it and move on.

There are some people that are more vocal than others, however. My brother, who is very liberal, put a status a week or so ago critical of George W. Bush. I just rolled my eyes. A mutual friend, who is a cousin's in-law that we barely know, called my brother a racist for posting that status. I debated whether to respond in his defense. (He is the farthest from being a racist of anyone I know). But I figured, you post things like that, you have to expect criticism and debate. A few days later he put her in her place.

Gotta love FB.


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Burning Feather
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:33:37 PM
To follow up on my comment about removing myself from the situation, I was FB friends with someone I grew up across the street from. Our parents were best friends since 1947. She was older than me by a few years so we weren't socially friends growing up, but we were friendly as adults when we went back home to visit our families.

I unfriended her after I realized that I liked her a lot more when I didn't know her every thought on topics that I disagreed with. I didn't expect her to change her views, I didn't enter into conversation with her about them in front of HER other friends/relative - I just unfriended her and now if/when I see her, I don't have to know what kind of inflammatory (in my opinion) things she has posted, nor does she have to know what I am posting.



Carla




beachgurl
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:35:09 PM
Oh yeah, if I had mistakenly thought that you were a real life friend, I would immediately be deleting your comment and in the next 30 seconds, you'd be dropped as a facebook friend. Life is too short to have non-friends involving themselves in your personal life. Why would I want that? Gone.




KikiNichole

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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:54:43 PM
So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.



~Kristen~

TraceyS
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Posted: 6/30/2013 7:56:36 PM

KikiNichole makes an excellent point. Where do you draw the line? Why is some ok and some not but your expected to silence yourself when you cross that imaginary line one way or the other?


If I posted something that I knew was controversial (although these days that can include a lot more things than I ever thought before, it seems) its not that I wouldn't expect people to disagree with me about it, it's more that I would expect them to keep their disagreement to themselves unless I had asked for opinions. That doesn't mean that they might not express their disagreement in other ways....they might choose to unfriend me, or if I have a business they might choose not to patronize me, or whatever. If they felt really strongly, they could send me a private message about it.

But I don't think I should have to defend on my wall if I want to teach my children to shoot,or whatever.

voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:02:28 PM
So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I prefer friends with strong social skills.

They do not have to think like I do. They are welcome to put their views on their page. I also do not want, or need, "friends" with balls for public calling out. Which is what a negative post on facebook is.

Have you lost all sense of social politeness? Every thought that crosses your mind doesn't have to be made public.


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beachgurl
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:06:41 PM

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.




Exactly. If this is an issue that is controversial and people feel strongly about, then I only want friends that feel the same way or respect me enough to not trash my facebook page with their unsolicited comments. It is not a public forum for debate.

Now, obviously I may have many acquaintances and casual friends with differing opinions, and they may not be able to keep their differing opinions to themselves, but those people are not included in my inner circle.





Burning Feather
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:11:47 PM

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.


I don't know how you came to that conclusion. I'm fine with people with different opinions. But when their opinions border on offensive TO ME - I remove myself from hearing those opinions.

And when they feel that they can take me to task PUBLICLY for my personal opinions, I remove them from the opportunity to do so because obviously they don't understand social boundaries.

I have no problem having a one on one discussion with someone with differing opinions or even in a group discussion where it is appropriate, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be called on the carpet by a casual, or less, acquaintance on MY FB page based on something that doesn't even involve them.

In this case, her opinion wasn't solicited in any way, shape, or form and she chose to comment on something that involved family. But not hers.




Carla




writermom1
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:12:04 PM
If it is a mass circulated meme or stock photo with political connotations I think it invites debate.

A personal photo? I think it's a%#y to make political comments / statements.



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Comeonalready
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:13:06 PM

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.




You would want to be friends who shared a negative opinion when you shared something you were excited about? Even when you didn't ask for an opinion?

For example, what if you and your oldest daughter went and got matching tattoos and you were showing it off at a party? And then someone said "I really think tattoos are tacky on women."

Or if your child moved in with a boyfriend and you were telling about something funny that happened when you were helping them move? And the person told you how wrong it is to support them living in sin?

It is FINE for my friends to have differing opinions, and when we are having a discussion about those topics I love to hear their point of view. What isn't okay is them raining on my parade, unsolicited, in front of other people, when I was just sharing something I was happy about. That is just poor manners.

Surely you can see the difference? Not every setting is the right one to share a dissenting opinion.

KikiNichole

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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:20:43 PM

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.



Exactly.


That's how I came to that conclusion.


But I'm thinking in terms like described by Writersmom:



If it is a mass circulated meme or stock photo with political connotations I think it invites debate.

A personal photo? I think it's a%#y to make political comments / statements.




~Kristen~

Pea-T-A-Mom
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:22:48 PM
The thing about Facebook, is that calling someone out on a post isn't like confronting them in person. It isn't even like calling them out at the top of your lungs at a party.

It's like calling them out, from the top of the Empire State Building at midnight televised on Dick Clark's New Years Eve.

Maybe not that big, but declaring that a person is wrong on the Interwebz is different than doing it in a social setting.

I ignore. Occasionally quietly unfriend people who post things I cannot abide. On the one occasion I felt the need to chastise, (my niece had changed her avatar picture to a hugely obese woman, and as she has a hugely obese cousin who was FB friends with her, I felt it was extremely cruel). I sent her a private message.


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BethAnneM
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:23:59 PM

If it is a mass circulated meme or stock photo with political connotations I think it invites debate.

A personal photo? I think it's a%#y to make political comments / statements.


I agree with this. If there is something circulating with incorrect information or is just plain BS and people are taking it for the gospel truth, I will say something and usually provide backup to let them know.

Personal photos, not so much. If I keep seeing things in their photos that I don't agree with, I simply unfriend them.



beachgurl
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:31:49 PM


Ahhh, by reading only one word of a response. A response that came AFTER you posted your conclusion.

I hope you aren't thinking that makes you open-minded. You can't make a reasonable conclusion using input/a response that hasn't happened yet.

This thread was concerned with defamatory remarks left by a "friend" on a personal, family photo, not with mass circulated posts designed to elicit differing responses.

ETA: Expanded quote for context

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.



Exactly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



That's how I came to that conclusion.




melanell
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:38:20 PM
I just agree with all of Volt's posts so far.


For me, FB is not a place for conflict or arguing over hot topics.

It's a place to keep in touch with people.

I have un-friended someone who I didn't know all that well to begin with because all he did was post political rants. That's just isn't what FB is for me.

And I would say that a party is similar to FB. A party isn't someplace I would jump into a debate or make critical comments about a person's story or activity, either. (Unless they were doing something very dangerous right then and there of course. If you were plastered and about to drive home, I'd cause a scene to keep you safe if need be.)

That doesn't mean I am only friends with people who agree with me, nor do I wish for my friends to keep their mouths shut on things I don't agree with.

When my friend and I are together or even with a few other women, we discuss things we don't all agree on.

But we're not in a situation where we are disagreeing in front of a bunch of other people, which could be embarrassing for an individual. Plus, we try to disagree nicely. Too many times people posting disagreeing statements on FB are definitely not nice in their delivery.



KristinL16
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:43:01 PM
I agree to a point, but I have gotten into Facebook arguments more than once for doing something similar.


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KikiNichole

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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:43:32 PM
No, not a one word response. This response:


Oh yeah, if I had mistakenly thought that you were a real life friend, I would immediately be deleting your comment and in the next 30 seconds, you'd be dropped as a facebook friend. Life is too short to have non-friends involving themselves in your personal life. Why would I want that? Gone.
..

which came BEFORE I came to my conclusion. You said it, not me.


~Kristen~

KikiNichole

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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:46:14 PM
I just think, friends or no, living room or not, invited or otherwise...that if you're going to shout out politically charged statements then you should be ready to stand by them.

I'm not going all crazy on FB, attacking personal pictures and pissing on parades. But if you jump up and down and wave a finger in my face, I'm probably going to respond.

But I'd do that if I were standing in your *actual* living room.


~Kristen~

Comeonalready
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:48:42 PM

that if you're going to shout out politically charged statements then you should be ready to stand by them.


Where did you see that the person shouted out a politically charged statement? The person posted a picture of their kid and said something I assume was close to Zella's description of:


he'd had a great day at the gun range teaching his young nephew to shoot an automatic weapon

scrap4maddie
Sometimes you harm the cause more than you help.

PeaNut 175,985
November 2004
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Loc: Buffalo NY

Posted: 6/30/2013 8:52:12 PM
I try to respect my friends feeling about things so I don't post my opinions on their page. I can post whatever I want on my page. If they post constantly I ignore or unfriendly them.


~Erica~







melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 26,836
January 2002
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Posted: 6/30/2013 8:57:42 PM

I just think, friends or no, living room or not, invited or otherwise...that if you're going to shout out politically charged statements then you should be ready to stand by them.


I think that sometimes people don't realize that what they are posting is one of those type of things.

If teaching gun handling to your children is common where you live, you may not realize that others will think it is appalling, kwim?

Rants against a presidential candidate? Yep, I think most people know they are stirring the pot with those. (I don't post anything political on FB because of my own personal fluff policy over there. ) But choices in parenting might not be as obvious of a hot-topic to some people.


I can't tell you how many topics I found out were controversial due to being a Pea or from other online groups/boards.



mytwoandras
PeaFixture

PeaNut 204,991
May 2005
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Loc: New Jersey

Posted: 6/30/2013 9:08:08 PM
I am fb friends with a girl that went to school with me. We were not friends in school because she is a few years older than I am. She owns two small businesses in our town. On two occasions I have seen her post about her customers in a very unprofessional way. I thought about saying something on one of the posts. As a business owner I don't feel that you should be talking about your customers. However I decided not to comment because it was her personal fb page, not the business page. Instead I do not patronize her business.

I sometimes will hide a "friend" that continually posts things I don't like to see. One is constant pictures of mostly naked women, one is almost always posting about conspiracies in the food market, etc. It is a way to not see all of their things without insulting them by hitting unfriend. Haha.

I would not comment on someone's picture. I would maybe send a personal message if I had a concern. In the case of what you are describing I would have not said anything at all. All people have different interests, morals, values, religions, politics, etc. They can share them on fb without me saying anything. I just don't want to see offensive things like comments that are racist or bashing.

Artbabe
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 428,650
July 2009
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Loc: Columbus, Ohio

Posted: 6/30/2013 9:19:12 PM

So then, y'all only want friends who either think exactly like you do or aren't ballsy enough to say when they don't? Huh.



What you call "ballsy" I call poor social skills. I wouldn't want someone "ballsy" as my friend in real life, either.

I think this is where people get into facebook drama and I'm

I have no drama on my facebook page. I invite no drama on my facebook page. Starting a disagreement with someone on a facebook page is drama. For me, the comment would be deleted and the person unfriended or blocked in a heartbeat. I don't comment on other people's status or photos if I don't agree with them. I simply ignore their post, hide it if it bothers me, and if it is particularly repugnant I'll drop them as a friend because facebook is my happy place and I don't need people harshing my mellow.

It isn't true that I want only friends that think like me. I'm politically conservative and probably 90% of my facebook friends are liberal. If I went around putting my opinion on their pages I'd probably have very few facebook friends left. That would suck, so I keep my opinion to myself there. If they want to have a political debate with me then they need to choose another time and another venue. A real life party isn't an appropriate venue, either, by the way. That's how people get drama in their real life, too. Situational appropriateness is a lost art, evidently.

Every time I see someone post pictures of a circus I have to sit on my hands because it pisses me off. But I don't write anything because it isn't the place.


Tracy

I put my heart and soul into my work, & have lost my mind in the process. Vincent van Gogh

KikiNichole

PeaNut 69,597
February 2003
Posts: 27,801
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Loc: Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Posted: 6/30/2013 9:26:41 PM
Artbabe,

I don't have any drama on my Facebook page either. Because I don't post a lot of controversial subject matter...out of consideration for the differing opinions of my friends.

I'm not trying to say that you should offer up an 'in your face' reply to every thought you don't agree with.

I'm just saying that if being so sensitive to differing opinions that you would automatically deleted both comment and friend would mean that maybe you'd be better off not posting politically/socially charged statements. Unless, like I said, you're only interested in being friends with those who think just like you.


~Kristen~

Burning Feather
I conceived but I can't see you

PeaNut 158,336
July 2004
Posts: 37,887
Layouts: 3
Loc: Ain't no black widow serial killer going to get between me and my man

Posted: 6/30/2013 9:46:23 PM
But Kristen, saying that you had a great day with your nephew at the shooting range isn't a politically inflammatory statement. You have to know that there are parts of the country where everyone carries a gun, where hunting is a right of passage and where even schools have gun safety and training classes. Where, in fact, you are the odd man or woman out if you don't own a gun.

It wasn't a political statement up for discussion or shouted from the rooftops or even an opinion on gun control. It was an uncle stating how much he enjoyed time with his nephew (and I have to assume that mom and dad were fully aware of the plans for that day and agreed with it.)

Even with my best friend - with whom I have wildly different views on politics, education, and raising children - have managed to remain friends for 25 years without feeling the need to cut down each other's opinions in public. Frankly, that's part of being a good friend. You (global you) can have your views and I can have mine and they neither of us has to try to "convert" the other one. I'd quickly grow tired of even the best friend who constantly felt the need to inform me that I'm wrong.


Carla



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