Inlaw family secret, need advice (sorry, it got a little long)

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Posted 9/26/2013 by Laurel Jean in NSBR Board
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kimberly38
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/27/2013 12:56:27 PM
I have to ask, who keeps bringing up this subject? The relatives or you or your hsuband?

If the relatives kept bringing it up, they would receive a tongue lashing like they never had before! "Really? You keep bringing this subject up, yet you won't say anything? Why the heck do you do this? Do you like to torture my husband? Do you know the pain he goes thru every day and the crap he has to deal with because of what happened? And yet, you had more fire to the pan. Why would you do this to someone you care about? Either tell us what the freakin' deal is, so my husband can deal with it or shut the freak up!"

But, at this venture, I really think you need to talk to your husband and find out how he feels about the situation. Does he want to know what happened or does he want to continue with just working on what he needs to as far as his recovery and future?

If he wants to know, than I would invite everyone over and let them know the deal. You are both tired of all the crap. They either tell the real deal or they can walk out that door and not come back thru again. You both are tired of dealing with the innundoes(?) and crap they keep throwing back and forth. Let's deal with now so that my husband can get the help he needs and move on.

gottapeanow
Full of faith pea

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Posted: 9/27/2013 1:24:43 PM
He needs to know.

My siblings and I found out a huge family secret only 9 months after my mom died. My dad was already deceased. It was not good finding out the way we did.

Many other family members knew about it. No one ever told us.

Based on my personal experience, it's better to know.

Lisa

Laurel Jean
generic pea

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Posted: 9/27/2013 8:19:20 PM
Thank you all for your opinions and support. I have lots to think about.

I will be having a conversation with DH, but not this weekend, since we have a houseful of my relatives coming into town to stay with us for a cousin's wedding.

I appreciate all the points of view. Some things were brought up that I never even considered, and I thank you for that.

Jennerator
AncestralPea

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Posted: 9/27/2013 9:00:38 PM
I would want to know too, even though as you said it won't change the outcome. I agree with another pea, his realitives are cruel for only telling him so much. Either he never should have found out, or he should have been told long ago.

So sorry, not an easy situation for sure.


Jenny L.

old pea new name
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 9/28/2013 5:43:55 PM
My sister was told not to carry me when she was 5. She dropped me and I had major plastic surgery(nose was severed)Over 100 stitch repair. She lied to my parents and confessed 20 years later. She still has issues taking ownership for the fact I had intensive surgery and had to live with scarring. No one talks about it...I am angry at times, but what good will it do to bring it all up? You can't undo it.

leftturnonly
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Posted: 9/28/2013 6:12:13 PM
This is a horrible burden that has been placed on your husband and you.

"The person responsible is dead" can still mean that there was a terrible accident - possibly one of neglecting to watch a toddler for even a brief moment too close to an open fire. Accidents do happen and the person who was responsible carries terrible guilt - enough that they may have gotten others to promise to not talk about it with your dh.

Suppose instead that the very worst possible thing you can think of was true? Suppose this is the big secret everyone's been so obvious in keeping? Do they really think your dh or you haven't already been trying to deal with the fact that this is what may have happened?

If he wants to know, he should gather as many people together as he can that know and tell them as a group that he would like for them to respect him as a man and tell him the truth that on some level, he already knows, since he was there and it was a traumatic event that changed every moment of the rest of his life.

It may be just that particularly significant piece of the puzzle that he's been missing to help him gain a new perspective on his life and see what is possible for him to achieve in the future.

It was cruel of them to tell him anything without telling him everything.







If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



DastardlyBoo
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Posted: 9/28/2013 6:34:45 PM

My sister was told not to carry me when she was 5. She dropped me and I had major plastic surgery(nose was severed)Over 100 stitch repair. She lied to my parents and confessed 20 years later. She still has issues taking ownership for the fact I had intensive surgery and had to live with scarring. No one talks about it...I am angry at times, but what good will it do to bring it all up? You can't undo it.


She was 5. Ownership? FIVE!?! Your poor sister. Imagine your WHOLE childhood living with that kind of guilt?



Not all those who wander are lost. ~J.R.R. Tolkien

marycain
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/28/2013 8:06:11 PM

My sister was told not to carry me when she was 5. She dropped me and I had major plastic surgery(nose was severed)Over 100 stitch repair. She lied to my parents and confessed 20 years later. She still has issues taking ownership for the fact I had intensive surgery and had to live with scarring. No one talks about it...I am angry at times, but what good will it do to bring it all up? You can't undo it.


She was a child, as were you. Five year olds do dumb things. It sounds like you blame her.

I almost died as a toddler because my oldest brother (17 at the time) left gasoline sitting out where I could reach it. I still have major health problems as a result. However, it was an accident. Accidents happen. I've certainly never blamed him for it, nor would I expect him to carry a load of guilt for his entire life over it.

Your attitude strikes me as somewhat warped.

Jadie
AncestralPea

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Posted: 9/28/2013 8:58:39 PM
Could there have been an old newspaper article in a local paper about the incident? That is some thing you could maybe look up in a library. Can your husband perhaps get his childhood medical records somehow?


"Why, yes! I *have* lost my mind! Thank you for asking!"
Vicki

kolkatamom
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Posted: 9/29/2013 3:01:58 AM


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enjoytotheend
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/29/2013 4:34:39 AM
I would leave it in his hands. I, personally, would need to know. There is a saying, "feelings buried alive never die" and it's true. Those feelings never go away. I HATE family secrets. It took me years to find out my mom had been molested by my uncle. An uncle I interacted with a few times each year. I know she watched me closely and stuff but still I wish I had been warned earlier.

It could have been an accident. Maybe they were drinking and not paying attention and feel guilt. Who knows. But he deserves to know the truth if he wants to know. Secrets cause so much shame!

Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea

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Posted: 9/29/2013 7:02:14 AM
IMO... In order for your DH to completely heal emotionally, he needs to be told the truth. He may also require some professional help to work through his feelings.

That being said, I agree with volt that this ball needs to be left in your DH's court. I can imagine it's extremely difficult for you to be in this situation, and I can almost promise you it would take everything in me not to go after the information myself (If this were my DH we were talking about). But I think your DH needs to be the one to pursue the information if/when he's ready for it.

I'm so sorry you and your DH are going through this. His family is being extraordinarily cruel.

peasapie
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Posted: 9/29/2013 7:51:40 AM
I'm trying to imagine what might have happened. Here's a theory - someone was watching him that day and let him get too close to the fire. Maybe grandma, for example? Someone on dad's side, and dad blames the person for negligence. Maybe not malicious, just not as attentive as one should be. And dad blamed them but doesn't want it exposed, doesn't want him to think grandma is bad.

That's the only reason I can think of why no one is telling him - they don't want to tarnish someone's memory.

2peafaithful
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Posted: 9/29/2013 9:00:07 AM
My heart just broke reading your post. Dear Lord why the secrets? Why add pain to the trauma? I understand sometimes people do it thinking they are protecting someone from pain but obviously your dh is very aware that there is more to his story. It is his story, his life, his health, his right and his family. I am so very sorry. May your dh find health, peace and healing in the midst.

Llemarra
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 9/30/2013 12:22:06 AM
Any update?

hrwcookie
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Posted: 9/30/2013 12:48:43 AM
My family (mainly my mothers side) is the worst for family secrets. In the last 5 years I finally started asking questions so I could figure out why I was the way I was. Come to find out, most of what I thought was truth, was lie after lie after lie. Now, at 28 and swearing to end the cycle of lies, I am in therapy, and working on coming to terms with it all. On top of that, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in the last 2 weeks. Together my husband and I have to sift through 28 years of hurt, pain, lies.... It's hard, and sometimes the pain makes it seem like its not worth it, but I know at the end, it will be. Truth can eventually bring about positivity and freedom, just be ready for a long hard road...


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enjoytotheend
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/30/2013 1:07:33 AM
Also alcoholism can be very hereditary. You said your husband struggled with alcohol could his father have been an alcoholic or someone else in the family line? It often has a genetic component. That would mean that it was a preventable accident.

azredhead34
peaintheheat

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Posted: 9/30/2013 1:36:14 AM
hugs!! What a nightmare for both of you. It would be great healing for him to understand the why's. I am in the camp of 'why on earth are they dangling it in front of him?' especially knowing he's struggling. You already know at this point that it's not going to be great but at least maybe you can prepare your self and DH and just know that whatever information you do receive you can move forward and start some understanding try to heal. Best of luck in whatever you decide. I don't know that I would go to the sister, unless they are close.




*Maddie_Isabella*
PeaAddict

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Posted: 9/30/2013 8:36:08 AM
It astounds me so many people "know" but no one is telling a grown adult. Who are they protecting? It is no longer your husband, this is a new kind of torture to me now that he knows something else happened.
Someone needs to come forward. This is ridiculous.
I am so sorry for what happened to your husband. I am just furious for you.


*~Maddie~*

"They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?"- Unknown

*rosebud*
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/30/2013 10:31:31 AM
It's up to your DH whether or not to pursue this.

I am astounded by the people who say "what good would come of it" Maybe none, but it's your DH's history - it belongs to him, and he should know it. It is completely utterly wrong for it be kept from him.

MetalDancer
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 10/8/2013 1:16:05 PM
OP, is there any update? I've been thinking about y'all since you posted this.


Lisa =^..^=

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BergdorfBlonde
Getting blonder every day

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Posted: 10/8/2013 7:53:20 PM
Sending you Peamail.








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