VENT: If you're old enough to be married...

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Posted 11/14/2013 by Free~Bird in NSBR Board
 

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

PeaNut 104,551
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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:36:10 AM
Then you are certainly old enough to handle your own problems instead of sending Mommy or Daddy to do your bidding.



I'm annoyed. I had a Mommy call me a couple days ago about an issue with a wedding. I've fixed the issue and we're all good again, but really? Why do you have your Mother call when you are a full grown person IN THE MILITARY instead of just calling me yourself or sending me an email. I haven't had my "mommy" fix anything for me since I was around 15 years old.

I've had this happen 3 times (which is pretty good considering how many weddings we've shot). The last one was a couple years ago, and the daddy was my husband's (now ex) co-worker. Bride, EVERY TIME would call her dad, her dad would ask my husband a question, and husband would say "I dunno" and come home to ask me. I finally had to tell her to ask me directly as my husband doesn't know these answers. On her wedding day, 5 min before we were supposed to be there, my husband gets a frantic phone call from father of bride asking where we are, why aren't we there. Well, for starters, we're in the parking lot 23 feet from the bride's getting ready room, and second, why are you calling?

I had one Daddy that I had to basically tell him (after he was such a douche) that sorry, my contract isn't with you, it's with your daughter. I've only had to whip that one out once in about 100 weddings.

So, you're old enough to get married, old enough to make babies, old enough to have a job and a mortgage, but when you have a problem of some sort, you send a parent to do the job?
Cut the cord.

/vent

LOL

ETA: Every contract is with the bride and groom ONLY and the first clause of the contract states that no matter who pays, we're beholden only to the couple. Of course, I work with parents every day, but I don't take demands from them. Even if they paid the bill. I did this because this keeps mommy and daddy from deciding what the album's going to look like, who I take pictures of, what time I start, etc etc. It's my attempt to let the the couple remain in charge of their wedding.


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ginacivey
prey-sniffing bully

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:39:05 AM
it's the result of helicopter parenting...and i believe it's only getting worse

gina

Luvspaper
AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:44:48 AM
My only question would be who is paying and who did you sign the contract with? That is who I would be willing to speak with. In the case of weddings, how often is that a parent? So I don't see it as totally crazy parenting if they were the one paying or signing, but I agree the bride/groom should contact you.

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:48:57 AM
I only sign a contract with the bride/groom. First line of the contract says that regardless of who pays, the contract is with the bride and groom.

I have no problems with parents that have questions or even issues. We can fix almost any problem! It's when the parent was obviously sent by an annoyed "child" that really gets my hackles up.


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TheSeabee&Me
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:49:10 AM
I get this all the time in the insurance world. 30-something, sometimes single, sometimes married, and Mommy or Daddy of one of them will call in because there is a question about coverage on the 30-something's home, auto or even life policy. Our broken record response "I'm sorry. Your name is not on the policy. Our contract is with your son/daughter. I cannot discuss the policy details with you." I feel your pain. Moms especially get real pissy if you refuse to discuss their adult child's business with them.

Have you tried that "I'm sorry. My contract is with your daughter. If she has an issue, please have her contact me." Or, would that hurt your business too much?

melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:49:35 AM
In theory, I agree. But when I was getting married, I needed to talk to the priest, and I had been playing phone tag with him nearly a full week and I finally asked my mother to please call him for me, because I was trying to do this at work (pre-mobile phone), so I was waiting for break/lunch and calling on a work phone and never being lucky enough to call at the right time.

My mom had a day off (she worked only 3 days a week at the time) and she was going to be home all day doing household chores, so she made one call and then waited for his call back, and voila, I had my issue all taken care of without 110 phone calls and messages going back and forth.


So it had nothing to do with helicopter parenting or being babied, it was simply asking someone a favor who was in a better situation to accomplish the task easily.







I get this all the time in the insurance world.


I had the opposite issue. I had a childhood plan that I wanted to switch over to my name, since I had taken over the payments on it ages before, and I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it, even though it was my check they were receiving each pay period. I had no choice but to have "Daddy" call and get it fixed for me.



busypea
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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:51:03 AM
In many weddings, it is the bride's family who is paying, so they view themselves as the client more than the bride. In that situation, I don't find it that strange.

I know for our wedding, despite the fact that I was an adult, any contract discussions were had with my mother and not me because she was the party paying and thus wanted control of the contracts (which I find totally acceptable). General decision making rested with me, but anything relating to the contract or that would change the financial terms had to be approved by my mother.

It was not a case of helicopter parenting, it was a case of who was paying the bills.

However, we made sure our vendors were aware of that on the front end, so they knew who to contact about what.

Happy Wife
PeaAddict

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:51:12 AM
The only way I would be answering to a parent is if they were signing the check.

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:51:39 AM
melanell...
That wouldn't even raise an eyebrow with me. Parents ask questions all the time. I even had a full consultation with just a mom before (no bride/groom).


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jennifw
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:55:11 AM
This reminds me of a situation with my great Aunt many years ago. A newly married couple made an offer on her home. It was an old tiny home in an area that was up-and-coming. All new builds would scrape the old lot and build a monster house in its place. The new couple was getting a heckuva a deal.... until the bride's dad came in and tried to re-negotiate with my great Aunt. She said no deal and cancelled the contract all together. We laughed about that one! (and she ended up selling for more a few months later)

melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 11:59:25 AM

melanell...
That wouldn't even raise an eyebrow with me.


If you could have seen how badly I was flipping out you may have! LOL!

We were getting married in the Catholic Church, and you are supposed to go through counseling beforehand.

DH & I filled out the questionnaires on our own, had a very brief meet up with the priest and then we needed to have the actual session with him after he went over the papers.

And months went by and we were not able to find a time to do this, and the wedding kept getting closer, and I reached this panic point where I was afraid at the last second we were going to be told that the church wedding wasn't going to happen because we never got this done.

So when I called my mom in a frenzy she asked if it would help if she just went down to the church, and I told her I didn't need her to do that, but would she please be willing to just wait for his call-back.

And by some mother's miracle she called me back and told me that we were not required to do it at all and all was good.

I have a feeling she gave an embarrassingly accurate description of my panic to the priest.



Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:01:20 PM
note to self: do not shoot melanell's next wedding.
LOL


But here's the bigger question. Were you upset at the priest and had your mom call and yell at him? (instead of just growing a big brass pair and addressing it yourself?)
That's the difference to me.


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purplepackrat
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:04:14 PM
I paid for my DD's photographer but it was a contract between them, I had a couple of meetings with them, and then left them to it. I will say that with some of the people she hired, I did coach her on what to ask, but it was her responsibility to handle, not mine. Even when it was my dollar, I didn't consider it my place. It was my gift to her. I don't tell her how to use other gifts either.

With that said,it is not an age thing entirely. We have married clients whose spouses call us! Usually, it is the wives having their husbands call, but sometimes it is vice versa. We have wives who can't even attend the simplest of meetings without dragging their husbands with them. Sometimes it is even answering an e-mail or phone call to them. Not that there aren't something things to consult with your husband about, or certain meetings your husband should be in, but I'm talking routine simple matters. As a female, I find it rather unbecoming.


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Josie*R
BucketHead

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:05:50 PM
it keeps getting worse! We just had an employee (24) who's mother was doing her excel worksheets and proofing them. We found out because our server was done, I call her to just put it on a USB drive and give it to me. I was waiting and waiting, go over there and she is panic mode with her mom on the phone. She had emailed it to her mother and her mother was in the midst of working on it and couldn't send it back since the server was down...


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melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:09:59 PM

But here's the bigger question. Were you upset at the priest and had your mom call and yell at him?


No, I wasn't upset at him at all. And she definitely didn't yell. (In fact if she has a customer service issue, she asks me to call for her because she gets upset and starts getting emotional and she wants someone who will stay firm to make the call. )

I was in retail and he was a priest, so we both kept really strange and always changing hours. I was just upset that I couldn't nail down a date to finish this "requirement". Had I had =any idea that the priest could opt us out of the "requirement" if he wished, I would have felt so much more relaxed about the whole thing.

I was fine until we started plunking down money all over the place for deposits for that date and then the fact that i didn't have the official church "okay" started freaking me right out.

It was the closest I came to a Bridezilla moment. Only I was leaning more heavily towards crying than screaming, and it was only good old Mom who knew about my freak out.


My contact with my photographer was easy peasy. I think I called him twice. Once to ask if he was available and to get some specifics, and once to say "Yes, can we please book you?". I never even saw him before the wedding.



kmk1112
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:17:07 PM
I can see your point, but I don't think it's uncommon for parents to be involved in wedding details since many times they pay for it. When I got married (at 25) I really thought of it as my wedding, but also as a party that my parents were throwing for me. And I paid for most of it myself.

PeawithChemistry
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:25:59 PM

On her wedding day, 5 min before we were supposed to be there, my husband gets a frantic phone call from father of bride asking where we are, why aren't we there. Well, for starters, we're in the parking lot 23 feet from the bride's getting ready room, and second, why are you calling?
To be fair, I had my parents deal with any vendor problems on my wedding day. I was busy getting married and enjoying the day. My mother especially didn't want me to deal with vendor issues. I didn't carry a cell phone that day, as my dress didn't have pockets, so if I'd been wondering where you were she would have been the one to call you. I would have been pissed if you'd told her you couldn't deal with her because it wasn't in your contract. She was representing my wishes so that I didn't have to do "business" on my wedding day.

In addition to dealing with any issues, I had given her cash for tips and she used her discretion to tip all the vendors at the end of the night after we'd left. It had nothing to do with my maturity or ability to deal with vendors. I did all the planning and vendor meetings prior to the big day. It was her gift to me to handle stuff that came up on the day of so that I could enjoy the day stress-free.

melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:26:07 PM
We paid for our own wedding, but my mom did wind up being involved in a few things.

Obviously my priest panic.

But also with purchasing my wedding dress. This was in the early days of the internet, but I had someone local who could make alterations, so I was totally ready to embrace this "new thing" and order my gown online.

(OMG...everyone who knew I was buying that gown online thought I was flipping nuts. They thought I'd never get it, or it would be all wrong, etc., etc. So much so that I actually purchased a back-up gown to appease everyone. )

But anyway, I had to fax info to the woman about the gown, and I had no fax machine at home or at work yet. But, my mother's boss had a fax machine, and they were family friends, so she took my info and faxed it to the woman from her work for me.

And lastly I am desperately allergic to fresh flowers, so I needed silk flowers. My aunt does floral arrangements and so I purchased all of my floral arrangements from her, and she decided to have me pay her at cost as part of her gift to me. So, I was going to go to my aunt's to go flower shopping and my mom wanted to go to see her sister, so she came along.

But any other consultations, decisions, meetings, phone calls, were all done by DH and/or me.

And we didn't yell at anyone about anything. The owner of our reception site said we were the most laid back couple he had ever worked with. (Because he didn't hear my priest panic, either. )



peasful1
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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:27:17 PM
Maybe she vents to her dad and in an attempt to "fix" it, dad who works with your husband, asks him. Maybe he wasn't "sent" but is self-propelling.

You work in an industry where more often than not, parents are footing the bill. When parents are footing the bill for their kids, they feel entitled to have a say in everything, are over-involved and difficult to please. Ever been involved in youth sport? It's just like that. As my youngest's favourite coach used to say, "Parents ruin it." He's not that far off the mark.


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Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:37:26 PM

To be fair, I had my parents deal with any vendor problems on my wedding day. I was busy getting married and enjoying the day. My mother especially didn't want me to deal with vendor issues. I didn't carry a cell phone that day, as my dress didn't have pockets, so if I'd been wondering where you were she would have been the one to call you.


Except for the part where she called her dad to call my husband (not me). lol. I wasn't even late!! All she had to do was look out the window and she would have seen we were unloading.


I would have been pissed if you'd told her you couldn't deal with her because it wasn't in your contract. She was representing my wishes so that I didn't have to do "business" on my wedding day.



I've only said that once, and that was to a father who was a collosal dick a couple months after the wedding. As I've stated multiple times, I work with parents every day, 99.9% of questions/issues are handled in a pleasant manner. It's just that precious "mommy or daddy" and their little "prince or princess" every once in a while that gets my hackles up. lol


FOR THE RECORD,
when my son gets married (and I don't expect it to be that much longer), I'll be paying for the photographer. They get to pick and do whatever they want, all I'm doing is paying the bill.


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ketsmom
PeaAddict

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:39:36 PM
Helicopter parenting at its best.

ketsmom
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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:39:36 PM
Helicopter parenting at its best.

lucyg819
pearl-clutching nitpicker

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:41:25 PM
My parents paid for my wedding and my mom did most of the planning. I was working and I wasn't all that interested in the details, truthfully.

Neither of us would have been happy with a vendor who didn't want to talk to the event HOST.


LUCYG
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sunny 5
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:42:02 PM
when I got married, my mom hired the photographer, my mil hired the dj...because I lived 1000 miles away and this was before internet and cell phones. I only arranged counseling with minister...everything else was done for me.

it worked for me...I would not be happy if photographer had not cooperated with my style...

I was also working fulltime til 2 days before ceremony.

ctab
PeaNut

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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:51:27 PM
Would have you been just as annoyed by a wedding coordinator?

We had problems with our florist being horribly late with my flowers (as in we almost didn't have them in time for the ceremony). My mom was the one that called, because I didn't have a wedding coordinator, and she didn't want me frazzled and upset right before my ceremony. I don't see anything wrong with that.

If you and your husband run the business together they probably thought either could answer questions.

AngelJunkie
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Posted: 11/14/2013 12:55:17 PM
As we all know, planning a wedding is fraught with all kinds of anxieties. I can see you are frustrated and venting, but as a wedding planner, I hope you are usually much more understanding than you seem here.

DH and I paid for daughter's wedding and she and I did most of the footwork TOGETHER. Especially since DD had never entertained socially on that level - same as most brides. THAT's why they need the guidance - NOT because they're tied to any apron strings.

As a previous poster said:

Neither of us would have been happy with a vendor who didn't want to talk to the event HOST.


Lois

perumbula
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Posted: 11/14/2013 1:01:23 PM
I'm giving a pass to the military bride. Often their schedules are really messed up and they may not work regular hours or even eight hour days. If she's newly enlisted then she's really got the screwed up hours. She may have asked her parent to take care of it because she couldn't.

Otherwise, yes, grown ups should take care of their own issues.


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ashazamm
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Posted: 11/14/2013 8:20:57 PM
When I used to work in an office, I would over hear my boss calling to register her daughter for college. Her daughter was 20!

megmc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/14/2013 9:24:00 PM
My father shot weddings for years...I don't ever recall the bride doing any more than dressing up for her formal protraits and being at the wedding...the mom was the one he dealt with.

Even when I worked for the caterers the mom was the one we dealt with...we rarely had a bride in the shop. Not even for cake tastings. On the funny side the only 2 occassions we had had a bride flip out was a good thing since the father came and gave me a big cash tip for dealing with her.

StaZyG
BucketHead

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Posted: 11/14/2013 9:54:43 PM
When I got married a lot of organizations like the hotel would only address my mom. We ended up going with the ones that would speak with me. Glad to hear you work solely with the bride and groom
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MerryMom937
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Posted: 11/15/2013 7:16:51 AM
Sometimes, people just don't want to "deal with" vendors about a complaint or an "issue". Or maybe the parent is insinuating him/herself into the situation.

When the Mom and Dad call, say "I am sorry, per the contract I can respond only to the bride or groom about this matter. Ask them to call me." Tell them up front too.


Mopea57
BucketHead

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Posted: 11/15/2013 8:18:48 AM
Frankly, you sound like kind of a high-maintenance/PITA photographer. You get pissed if people bring photos of shots they want instead of respecting your "artistic ability." You don't want to work with whoever a bride asks to help her with issues. I guess I can't think of other specific examples off the top of my head, but every time you post about your photography business, I just get this air of "Wow, she really thinks a lot of herself and doesn't seem very flexible from a client's point of view."

Hopefully you just come across that way here because you're venting, and you come across as more accommodating in person. But given that you have your business's name in your signature, your photo, and you post somewhat regularly about photography, it seems possible that someone googling your business for reviews might end up here. You may want to think about that with what you post.

I imagine your first-reaction response is something like "I'm not ashamed of anything I post and if someone doesn't like how I do business or what I say they don't have to do business with me." Which is fine. But would reinforce the vibe I get, a very "my way or the highway" attitude.

joyce22
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Posted: 11/15/2013 9:25:45 AM
Perhaps the bride/groom doesn't know the parent is calling and it isn't at their request.

Epeanymous
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Posted: 11/15/2013 9:30:37 AM
My parents were hands-off. My husband's parents weren't all that hands-on. They paid for our wedding, however, and you'd better believe that they were the ones who had all of the ideas (demands) for the people providing various wedding services and they would be (did) contacting you directly.

Whatever the contract said about the client.

I didn't care whether the china at the reception was white or cream. I didn't have a strong position on raspberries at dessert. I did not have particular groups of people I wanted to make sure were photographed at the reception. My inlaws did, however, and they expected service personnel to communicate with them.

eebud
Doxie Pea Mom

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Posted: 11/15/2013 2:03:12 PM
Sounds like wedding vendor contracts need to have a section kind of like medical release forms have. DH has to specify that it is ok to release his medical information to me. Maybe wedding vendor contracts need a section where the person(s) the contract is with can specify other individual(s) that the vendor can discuss plans with and take direction from. That way, if the bride and groom want their moms to handle everything, they can put their names down on the contract and the vendor will work with their wishes.





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Peabay
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Posted: 11/15/2013 2:18:47 PM
I was living in Florida and planning a NYC wedding. My mother did a lot of the legwork and calling for me.



batya
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Posted: 11/15/2013 4:15:56 PM
Not to pile on... but

When I was a kid/teen, my parents, specifically my father, encouraged me to advocate and speak up for myself in all things. Did not want to do the talking for me and would not in most cases. Younger than a lot of people would have their kids do so today.

That said, my parents and my ILs split our wedding costs down the middle and were the ones contracting with everyone. I don't recall speaking to one wedding vendor. And I didn't care to, TBH. DH and I were out of town for most of the planning and I wonder what the vendors thought of us. Or maybe they were just happy to have the job?

Just planned/had DD's Bat Mitzvah. I dealt with all vendors obviously, but I did bring her for final meetings/decisions and encouraged her to speak up if there was anything she was interested in that wasn't covered.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




*ingrid*
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Posted: 11/15/2013 5:50:32 PM
Is it possible the bride felt like she wasn't getting the response she wanted/needed from you and the mother stepped in when she saw her daughter starting to stress? It's an honest question not meant to sound snarky, there just isn't a lot of background info to go on as far as what the problem was that needed fixing.


I think some families really want to make sure the wedding planning process is as stress-free as possible for the couple so they can focus on the excitement and joy of the occasion. so they step up to the plate when there's an issue that needs to be resolved.

My brother and SIL are also old enough to do all the things you mentioned, but because he is in the military, SIL was trying to plan a wedding with the added stress of dealing with moving everything to their assigned base and knowing she would be so far away from home. I could totally see her mom getting involved if there was a problem with one of the vendors to keep her from getting upset or overwhelmed.

Obviously, there's no excuse for people like the guy you described behaving like a weapons-grade ass, but even the most self-sufficient grown-up can use a loved one intervening and handling a difficult situation sometimes



*maureen*
Bad Wolf

PeaNut 191,892
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Posted: 11/15/2013 6:10:41 PM

ETA: Every contract is with the bride and groom ONLY and the first clause of the contract states that no matter who pays, we're beholden only to the couple.


And if part of being beholden to the couple is talking to the parents then what do you do? Quite frankly, if I'm paying you then my expectation is you answer the questions of any of my representatives. If I'm paying you, you work for me not the other way around.


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