If you don't bring anything, pay for anything or help with anything, why should you get leftovers??

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Posted 11/27/2013 by SweetieBugs in NSBR Board
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Dalai Mama
La Pea Boheme

PeaNut 49,641
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Posted: 11/28/2013 7:23:51 AM

Well, you didn't HAVE to do the work. You could have taught him the lesson that you meant what you said and let him deal with the consequences of his choice.
I remember a certain humourous Christmas thread where a pea kept us up to date with her DH's efforts to cook after she did just that.

Jeez, if you are going to be so stingy with your leftover don't offer them.
What thread are you reading? She didn't offer.

Jo Mama


Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight. - Bruce Cockburn

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

Pink Mochas
Not here to discuss politics or religion!

PeaNut 221,281
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Posted: 11/28/2013 8:19:10 AM
We ended up having random families coming for our Thanksgiving this year. I made a private facebook page, made a list of the things I was going to make and let everyone fill in the blanks. Yesterday when they noticed that we just had 2 vegetables there was some complaining and scrambling. I took responsibility for the turkey, gravy & stuffing, along with our families traditional favorites, and am not worrying about the rest.

....plus I'm running in the turkey trot so I have an excuse for not spending the day in the kitchen


PeaNut 511,446
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Posted: 11/28/2013 8:37:57 AM

Well, you didn't HAVE to do the work. You could have taught him the lesson that you meant what you said and let him deal with the consequences of his choice. Instead you taught him that he could promise and you'd deliver. So what's worse -- dealing with your dh's disrespect or being angry and resentful about the entire holiday?

I agree. I would not have bailed him out and let the chips fall where they may.

My dh would never treat me with such disrespect or he wouldn't be my dh.

If he wants to host, tell him to hire a private caterer to come in so you don't get enslaved into all the work.


PeaNut 255,928
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Posted: 11/28/2013 8:37:59 AM
Sorry you have family drama on the holiday.



PeaNut 56,256
November 2002
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Posted: 11/28/2013 9:06:00 AM
We have a small family but I cook for like 20 people. Some family comes back over for Friday leftovers because nobody feels like packing up food. I just look at it as this is my family contribution for my family and the in-laws. My in laws included me on Sunday dinners for years before I knew how to cook. This is a small thing. My mil asked did I need anything, I asked for string beans. I do take off some slices of my honey baked ham and put up in a large ziploc bag. Somebody always wants to take home some of that expensive goodness. My sister does Christmas and she caters some of the meal. Not my most favorite food to eat but I have gotten over that. She says she loses the spirit of the holiday with her 3 children slaving in the kitchen for two days. I totally get it!

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the most ransorish pea evah

PeaNut 91,412
June 2003
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Posted: 11/28/2013 11:30:39 AM

Can you guess how that worked out? He doesn't have the first idea how to plan a meal or what goes into making stuffing or potatoes or gravy.

I bet he knows how to pick up the phone and order Chinese. Boom. Done.

Or you could send out a letter like this. That should cover it. I'd be tempted to.

Thanksgiving letter


PeaNut 384,712
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Posted: 11/28/2013 11:39:39 AM
Cook less. It will cost less, take less time and there will be no drama.


PeaNut 294,285
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:10:07 PM
I have never heard of demanding leftovers at someone else's home

I am WAY more direct. I'd tell them NO. I would tell them what to bring. If they didn't bring it, we'd do without.

My DH, no matter how wonderful he is, WOULD be assigned tasks.


Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint

PeaNut 110,589
October 2003
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:19:22 PM
    I remember a certain humourous Christmas thread where a pea kept us up to date with her DH's efforts to cook after she did just that.

OMG! I remember that thread! It. was. awesome!!!

Mommy Peas-alot

PeaNut 100,930
August 2003
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:26:11 PM
Sorry I haven't read through all the replies.

I would send an email.

I know we are all looking forward to Christmas together. In order to make the day as enjoyable for everyone as possible we are doing things a little different this year.

We will be providing xyz for dinner.
Mary we wil need a green salad, I will have a bottle of ranch, if you could bring another variety that will be great and crescent rolls. Pillsbury are always a hit. Please pick out a bottle of wine you would like to have with the ham.

Sue I am putting you in charge of appetizers. A cheese tray or cheese ball and small veggie plate are always a hit. I am making my family's favorite apple pie. Please bring either a pumpkin or pecan pie so everyone has a choice. Since everyone voted years ago that fresh whipped cream is the best for pies please bring a quart of heavy whipping cream which I can whip up while the table is being cleared.

Mary and Dh will be in charge of setting the table. All the dh's will be in charge of clearing the table while I put away the leftovers with the kids. It will just take me a minute to make whip cream and get the ice cream out of the freezer.

With everyone's help we will have a relaxing and stress free dinner so we can all enjoy as much time together visint as possible. Can't wait to see you.

Peaing From Podunk

PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:26:49 PM

I remember a certain humourous Christmas thread where a pea kept us up to date with her DH's efforts to cook after she did just that.

OMG! I remember that thread! It. was. awesome!!!

I remember that thread too I also seem to remember that Pea ended up divorcing her DH.


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind

Be gentle; I'm a delicate little flower

PeaNut 172,765
October 2004
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:43:38 PM

I also seem to remember that Pea ended up divorcing her DH.

I do remember the thread, but missed that part.


FYI--That avatar is NOT me; it's NOT my DH; it's NOT my father; and, I'm NOT related to him by blood or marriage. It's just a dude...wearing a Wal-Mart bag.

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch." TheSeaBee&Me, 5/20/2009

I love the smell of drama in the morning!


PeaNut 528,907
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:47:13 PM
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chatty chatty

PeaNut 120,522
December 2003
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Posted: 11/28/2013 8:56:57 PM
Guess I come from a sane family. They all just left and asked for nothing except the dishes they brought. My mom even insisted we keep 1/2 of the uneaten pumpkin pie she baked and brought.


it rhymes with banana

mom to a 21 yo dd, 14 yo ds, and 11 yo ds and a scrapper for 13 years


PeaNut 595,029
September 2013
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Posted: 11/28/2013 9:03:09 PM
I dunno, we cook enough specifically so there ARE leftovers.

My mom buys us the glad disposable containers to fill. We even have mason jars to put gravy and whatnot in.

Most of us "kids" (we range in age from late 40's to late 20's) do contribute something that is within our capabilities. But it in no way is close to what we get back in leftovers. I have enough food to give me a variety of meals for a couple of days.

I guess I never even realized that the leftover situation was even an issue.

Miss Lerins Momma
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 151,660
June 2004
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Posted: 11/28/2013 9:43:53 PM
I'm so glad my mom doesn't feel this way. We had 4 places to go to today, so me cooking and transporting anything would have been hard. And I'm so grateful that mom is such a fabulous cook and she makes enough for a small army. She encourages us to take leftovers, heck she even buys extra gladware containers for us to be able to take them home. All she asks is that we help her cleanup, which we gladly do. She's the best, I'm very lucky to have her!

Trolls *heart* me!!


PeaNut 56,437
November 2002
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Posted: 11/28/2013 9:54:41 PM
Many of you, the two above as well, are talking about your own mom's. I think that that is different in a way. My issue is the fact that there is NEVER reciprocity. Meaning, they never host, never pay for the entire meal. That is my main issue.

A year or two of this, okay, but when you are going on year after year. I am sure I would give of a free heart if they acted differently. I have always struggled with their company as my FIL is very beligerant, rude and disrespectful of me (because I am a woman and dare to not be a push over most of the time) and just onery and my MIL likes to talk about aliens and Julia Roberts for hours on end.

It is just a one way street and it isn't fair that I have to provide free food to my IL's other than what I freely lay out on the table at the holiday meal. Believe me, I am not being stingy with the food. Everyone's plates were filled with food I had so many dishes and I do put everything out for people to eat.


PeaNut 33,625
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Posted: 11/29/2013 9:30:31 PM
Sounds like you really need to stop hosting. You're not going to be able to change them, your dh isn't going to change and there is too much resentment built up to make it better.

Several people have given you ideas on how you can stop hosting or you can let it go on like this.



PeaNut 194,578
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Posted: 11/29/2013 10:17:37 PM
The bottom line is that *you* have to set the boundaries. People will treat you how you allow them to. I know for me, a conflict avoider, it's much easier to let the loud, pushy ones have their way. But recently I've discovered that I can be on the same level as these types of people in my own quiet way. I just quietly stand my ground. It does take some time and practice. But I assure you, it is worth it.

I hope your Thanksgiving went okay. I couldn't imagine how I would deal with that with grace. Your dh and IL's sound just like mine. Luckily my IL's live too far away to grace us with their presence.


PeaNut 101,638
August 2003
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Posted: 11/29/2013 10:52:05 PM
"What you allow is what will continue"

I would probably make different plans for next year. Either make a lot less so there are no left overs, or eat dinner someplace else. Leftovers or not, you are not a restaurant and you deserve to enjoy the holiday too.

Mary Kay Lady
I'm thinking . . .

PeaNut 367,913
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Posted: 11/29/2013 11:10:52 PM

You teach people how to treat you. You've taught your DH that he can invite his family and you'll make a wonderful meal and clean the house. If you don't like doing it don't do it.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 87,597
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Posted: 11/30/2013 8:43:29 AM
I think people just don't know what to do. I see on these boards over the years that people just can't win. They bring something and that offends. They don't and that offends. It's hard to know w hat to do. I would make your husband help since it's his family. Why not host them every other year and the non hosting years just do it with you and husband. Go out to eat, do whatever you want.

PEA-T-A-Mom's kitteh is a fraidy cat.

PeaNut 90,665
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Posted: 11/30/2013 12:54:07 PM
This appears to be about having to host your in-laws who are really awful to you. It's also about the fact that you're not feeling the support that your dh needs to give you. I would resent spending money I truly didn't have and then going to all of that work for people who weren't nice to me. In fact, I'd venture to say that this is really a communication problem btwn your dh and you. He allows his family to treat you this way. He may or may not step up to the plate and tell them to stop. So, you need to decide whether you're willing to put up w/this next year or whether it's time to draw a line in the sand w/your dh. Be direct and compassionate w/him. This is his family and he loves all of you. How do you feel about ending these painful Thanksgiving days here and telling your dh what you really need from him and how you feel about the way he handles this family dynamic? If you keep putting yourself through this then it'll cause even more resentment and will continue to put up a wall btwn your dh and you. I hope your dh will be receptive to your needs.


I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


PeaNut 251,639
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Posted: 11/30/2013 1:09:44 PM
Eating out really simplifies things. It is well worth the expense.

Just Tricia

PeaNut 72,877
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Posted: 11/30/2013 1:15:14 PM
Coupling this post with your post about the SIL showing up "late" (the time your husband told her dinner was) the problem seems to be in assumption. They obviously have no idea what you expect from them since it isn't being vocalized. TELL them what you want them to bring. TELL your SIL to come before dinner. You are assuming how you want them to act, they're assuming how you want them to act. Have a conversation.

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Scrapmaven is stalkin my Kitteh!

PeaNut 159,334
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Posted: 11/30/2013 2:09:49 PM
My family is wonderful about contributing sides for the meal. We also generously offer leftovers.

My husband makes fabulous stuffing. Everybody loves it. In the past people would be considerate and make sure we had some left for us, but this year people were a bit greedy, and though there was a full pan left after the meal, once people came through for leftovers, there was none left for us!

We already make an outrageous amount of stuffing, and only have so much oven space (DH tried putting a pan on the BBQ with the second turkey, but it burned).

This year all the best turkey was taken, too. Although some was left, it was all the scraps and wings, no nice slices. Again, we cook plenty of turkey for everyone to have some leftovers. It would be nice if the would take their share of the scraps as well as the slices so we all could have an equitable share.

So, my plan for next year is to quietly put aside our "leftovers" before we serve the meal. Then, when people come through for leftovers, I won't be stressed out over what I'm going to find when they're through.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
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Posted: 11/30/2013 2:52:21 PM
So what happen this year?


PeaNut 124,443
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Posted: 11/30/2013 2:58:22 PM
If you could swing it, I would go visit your family 700 miles away and let your DH deal with his family. It sounds like you need the break.



back to *pea*ality

PeaNut 471,633
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Posted: 11/30/2013 3:00:34 PM
Reading both of your threads together. You are angry and put off by having the Holidays at your place with little/no help. It's time to take a break and let someone else host for a change or just cook for your family or plan to travel the 700 miles to spend time with your family.


PeaNut 33,625
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Posted: 11/30/2013 3:03:08 PM
SIL brought wine in the other thread but contributed nothing in this thread I'm sticking with, it's time for you to stop hosting


"Surrounded by thugs."

PeaNut 16,228
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Posted: 11/30/2013 3:04:29 PM

She encourages us to take leftovers

But that's a whole different thing. She encourages you to take them. You aren't demanding them or packing them up yourself without prompting.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 340,335
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Posted: 11/30/2013 4:34:51 PM
Buy a plane ticket to visit your family for next Thanksgiving and let DH deal with his family.


Old Pea Coven member wannabe

PeaNut 36,163
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Posted: 11/30/2013 4:41:03 PM
Next year, don't wait for them to ask what they should bring; assign them something. That is entirely reasonable and fair.

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Thrift Ninja

PeaNut 226,011
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Posted: 11/30/2013 9:47:21 PM
OP, if you don't give people your expectations, they aren't going to know how to make you happy.

Lots of weird on this thread.

In our families, DH and I were both raised with the thought/idea/belief that hosting Thanksgiving is an honor. You WANT to cook about three times the amount of food that you need. So you can have leftovers, so you can generously send plenty home with each guest. Of course it's going to cost $200, but you have all year to plan and budget for it, so no big deal.

I have never, ever attended a holiday meal where the host DIDN'T generously send home leftovers with EVERYONE. The opposite mystifies me. Why wouldn't you want to provide for your family? So strange.

DH and I both roll with the thought that if we host, we provide ALL. However, we will occasionally let people bring a side or dessert if they insist, or if they have a specialty.

But mostly, we just plan to provide all. That's what a host does... with a smile and grace.

What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

PeaNut 109,127
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Posted: 11/30/2013 10:14:56 PM

Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
Posts: 22,066
Layouts: 4
Loc: Colorado

Posted: 11/30/2013 10:15:56 PM

Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you


PeaNut 514,794
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Posted: 12/1/2013 9:38:25 AM
DH has 3 sisters and a mother. We have been together 20+ years. His mother has brought an apple pie on occasion for holidays. His sisters have brought NOTHING. (Oh wait, once one of them brought left over Christmas cookies when we had them after Christmas). They act like they are at a restaurant. Hand me the empty plates of appetizers for a refill, leave their dirty plates on the table and when they leave, their glasses are on the coffee table where they finished them. Sometimes one of the sisters husband can't make it, and she always asks to take a plate to him. Once she took the leftovers that were enough to feed us for dinner the next day. Once I made 2 huge trays of lasagna and we only ate one and she actually wanted to start the second tray so she could take leftovers. Told her I was freezing it.

Here's the kicker. One of them has not had anyone to her house for anything in over 10 years. One of the others has hosted a couple of times where her parents either brought everything or paid for everything and we had to bring our own pop or drink water. Oh and her kids birthday parties were one piece of cake per person and one pop or beer with a bag of pretzels for appetizers.

We had a falling out with them and haven't had them over in 2 years. It has been heavenly.

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