who buys your mil her mothers day gift, you or dh?

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Posted 5/10/2014 by old pea new name in NSBR Board
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old pea new name

PeaNut 341,472
October 2007
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:58:35 AM
Just wondering. I've bought dh's mom's gift the past 20 something years.

We celebrate every Mother's Day with her. This will be 25. She got uppity because I mentioned going to my mom's- it's her bday. We've spent every, I mean every , major holiday with MIL since 1991. If you even mention other plans she guilts.

ca angel

PeaNut 400,602
November 2008
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:02:40 AM
I buy 98% of all gifts. The 2% my dh buys are gifts for me. Occasionally he will buy a "guy" gift.

We live close to both sides of the family and most if not all holiday/celebrations are done with both sides.
CA angel

old pea new name

PeaNut 341,472
October 2007
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:04:16 AM
We try to do both sides. The issue is when we say we're going to both. Typically we arrive at noon, stay til 5, then see the other parent for 2 hours. Christmas Eve is all day and all night. Noon until 10pm. No if's and's or butt's.


PeaNut 25,268
November 2001
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:04:33 AM
He does, and he's not particularly creative (not am I, in the interest of full disclosure ). He usually buys her a hanging plant.

I have picked up various gifts for her over the years if I see something that catches my eye or if he asks for my help. I'm glad to do it. In general, though, his mom's birthday, Mothers' Day, and holiday gifts are ultimately his responsibility, just as those gifts for my mom are mine. I don't expect him to take the lead on that, and he does not expect me to take charge of these things for his mom.

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PeaNut 161,999
August 2004
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:06:12 AM
I buy all of MIL's gifts. I will be lucky if my DH remembers Mothers Day at all tomorrow and my kids are little so yeah - he's a great guy so I have to just overlook this flaw.

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PeaNut 181,929
December 2004
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:08:21 AM
My DH is responsible for his mothers gifts.

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PeaNut 43,893
July 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:11:23 AM
DH buys his families gifts. They are really picky he deals with it.

My mom passed so we don't spend day with her. I encourage him to spend the time with his mother but he usually doesn't want to.

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PeaNut 87,597
May 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:11:26 AM
We are on a tight budget, so we have always just sent cards. They would rather us spend our money on their grandchildren's activities anyways!

If we could afford gifts and did that, my husband would be the one picking out Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts for both sets of parents. He is so creative in giving gifts. I can't think of good gifts!


PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:31:44 AM
We don't do gifts for Mother's Day or birthdays of adults. My dh is responsible for sending 99% of cards and gifts to his family. I am 100% responsible for sending gifts/cards to my family. That way there is no resentment or any other issues. In other words, my MIL couldn't blame me if she didn't like the card, etc. I'd just turn her complaints back to her, "According to you, he's the perfect son. Go talk to him if you don't like what he did." Lather, rinse, repeat. He told her, "If you don't like what we give you, the alternative is to receive nothing. Your choice. Let me know."

Luckily my MIL did not manage to remove his spine during childhood the way so many mothers of sons manage to do , so no way in hell would my dh cave to a guilt trip laid on by his mother that resulted in me not spending holidays with my family as appropriate.

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PeaNut 83,119
April 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:34:05 AM
DH buys for both his mother and mine.

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PeaNut 142,890
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:57:40 AM

We celebrate every Mother's Day with her. This will be 25. She got uppity because I mentioned going to my mom's- it's her bday. We've spent every, I mean every , major holiday with MIL since 1991. If you even mention other plans she guilts.

And that is when you turn the guilt around and remind MIL that your mother has not had a single Mother's Day with her child in 20+ years. She does what she does because you and your DH let her get away with it. Simple as that.

As for gifts, the first few years we were married I bought the gifts. MIL was notorious for being a bad gift receiver. So I made DH help me one year look for a specific gift she wanted. He gave her the gift, she opened it and immediately said "I've changed my mind and I am going to return this". Never a thank you or kiss my butt! It was the last gift we ever gave her. If DH gave her anything, it was cash after that.

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PeaNut 287,526
December 2006
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:58:32 AM

I buy 98% of all gifts. The 2% my dh buys are gifts for me. Occasionally he will buy a "guy" gift.

We live close to both sides of the family and most if not all holiday/celebrations are done with both sides.
CA angel

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PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
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Posted: 5/10/2014 12:02:24 PM
We make the decision together and we shop together. Not exclusively, but generally, as a couple, that's how we operate. We'll go to BBB to buy MIL's Kuerig today. Then together to the bead store to get her a gift card. Then grocery store to shop for brunch we're cooking for her.

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PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 1:57:01 PM
Me, him, whomever...

And honestly if you allow your MIL to dictate where you spend your holidays, that is on you

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PeaNut 398,557
November 2008
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:12:25 PM
DH buys any gifts for her. If he wants to give her something than he can go buy it and take it to her.

He took her some flowers this morning. He spends Mother's Day with me and our girls.
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PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:16:06 PM
He does

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PeaNut 220
April 1999
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:34:36 PM
I do enough for that man!!! The least he can do is buy a couple presents or think of something on his own for Pete's sake!! Sadly the ONLY time he has bought a card, flowers, gift or even a phone call for his mother on ANY occasion was because I held his hand and helped him do it. It just doesn't phase him. He sucks at that stuff for me too so it's not like he dislikes her or anything. Just who he is.


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PeaNut 40,275
June 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:36:04 PM
We usually choose and buy together. He also asks his siblings for ideas in case they heard his mom mentioning something she's been wanting.

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PeaNut 465,906
April 2010
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:57:49 PM
I buy for all the moms. DH sucks in the gift department. I tried to make him buy for his mom, but he would say that she doesn't care. But she does and I love her. So now I buy her gifts. To be fair, I just order plants and Sherrie's Berries online.

We don't go to either moms house. Were military and have never lived close enough. It does simplify things.

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PeaNut 266,627
June 2006
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Posted: 5/10/2014 2:59:20 PM
It amazes me that this holiday always brings up so much hostility.

I've been married for 35 years. I know I'm blessed, because my MIL treats me like a daughter. Not that she doesn't annoy me on occasion, but she does have a good heart and the most important thing is that her grandchildren are precious to her and she treats them so. My DH works long hard hours and if he doesn't think about Mother's Day, I give him a pass. My SIL and I always provide MIL with a coursage to wear to church on M Day from the grandkids. We don't really do gifts until Christmas. Sometimes my DH comes up with a great gift for his Mom, sometimes he doesn't have any ideas. We work together on that.

As far as my own children....my DD is an RN working nights and won't be here tomorrow. My DS and his wife will be with her mother, who is a widow so they will be here for Father's Day (so we just celebrate both days together..)

I took my own Mom to lunch this week after I took her to a Dr. appt. and grocery shopping. I see her all the time.

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PeaNut 35,457
April 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 3:02:33 PM
Oh crap!!! I just thought of this today! Hoping dh did.

We won't send flowers this late but could do an ecard with a egiftcard or something if he didn't do it.

Man I stink! I totally forgot about her this year. I will ask him when he gets back.

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PeaNut 26,836
January 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 3:14:04 PM
We buy flowers for both moms each year. All four of us go, but we tend to let the kids choose the flowers.

This year our youngest chose hydrangeas. Luckily both grandmothers have green thumbs & several large gardens, so fitting a large plant like this in somewhere shouldn't be too much trouble. And we'll help plant them, as well.

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PeaNut 34,233
March 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 3:22:41 PM
My DH buys for his family. He will even pick up stuff for the nieces and nephews for Christmas sometimes. If he has an idea for his mom and doesn't have the time to pick it up, I'll go get it for him.

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PeaNut 43,833
July 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 3:59:32 PM
I do, if I don't she gets noting and I feel guilty.


PeaNut 155,670
July 2004
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Posted: 5/10/2014 4:05:31 PM
We don't do a lot of gift givng in our family---just at Christmas. But I do get stuck will all of the Christmas shopping.

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PeaNut 218,955
August 2005
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Posted: 5/10/2014 4:23:22 PM
I shop for my MIL for Mother's day. She always wants scrappy stuff and DH doesn't know the difference between a pack of Thickers and an ATG gun.

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PeaNut 479,242
August 2010
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Posted: 5/10/2014 5:14:26 PM
When my mom was alive I did the buying. Neither of us buy for my mil. She likes absolutely nothing that we buy her and will tell us.



PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
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Posted: 5/10/2014 6:07:16 PM
I put my foot down a couple years ago and made DH deal with it. I used to do it for him, because he hates to shop. She is so unappreciative I just couldn't deal anymore.

I am amazed at how many other Peas post about parents/in-laws that are so downright RUDE about gift receiving. My late FIL was the worst. I did quit buying for him and told DH we were not wasting another hard earned dollar on someone so obnoxious. He would actually throw things down on the table and say "what am I supposed to do with that?"

My parents call to thank us for a simple card.


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PeaNut 60,761
January 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 6:26:00 PM
We don't buy mother's day gifts. Not for his mom. Not for my mom. Not for me. It is not a gift giving holiday in our family. I will call my mom and he will call his mom. This is not a stressful "holiday."

We've spent every, I mean every , major holiday with MIL since 1991. If you even mention other plans she guilts.

Suck it up and ignore the guilt. You've let her run your life for 20+ years. Stop it. What kind of family holiday traditions are you going to have after she is gone?


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PeaNut 64,257
January 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 6:30:54 PM
If I find something I think she will like, I will mention it to him. Ultimately, we're each in charge of our own side of relatives.

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PeaNut 568,835
October 2012
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Posted: 5/10/2014 7:13:29 PM
If I had a mil, it would be me. I am the gift buyer for all

mama nay

PeaNut 191,474
February 2005
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Posted: 5/10/2014 7:14:37 PM
Dh buys for his mother, usually flowers. Sometimes a restaurant gift card, if I see something I "know" she will love I'll buy it or tell dh.

My mother never liked anything. And I finally I gave up and just sent her a card and called it good. She passed a few years ago, so no longer worry about it.

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PeaNut 430,982
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Posted: 5/10/2014 7:58:01 PM
I make a nice card and he buys the gift.
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PeaNut 69,081
February 2003
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Posted: 5/10/2014 8:09:41 PM
I always bought the card, got DH to sign it and I sent it. I usually included a check that I told him to write out and I put in some pictures of the kids.

I send to my mom of course.

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PeaNut 171,562
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Posted: 5/10/2014 8:16:16 PM
My husband buys his mom a gift. I usually pick up a patio planter to give her as well. She's easy in that she would love any little thing we gave her. We are nowhere close to the best of friends and I often think she wishes for a different daughter-in-law, but she's my husband's mother and she's never been anything but nice to me, so I have no problem picking something out for her.


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PeaNut 12,875
March 2001
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Posted: 5/10/2014 8:39:19 PM
My MIL makes it very clear that she thinks it is the wife's job to take care of all holiday cards, gifts, etc. (in fairness, she was aiming it at the one SIL who doesn't do anything for her) I asm responsible for all family member's at birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, and Father's Day. DH is responsible for only me and he is not good at it. I have told MIL that while I do handle these things, I sometimes resent the fact that I deal with 26 people and he can't remember the one he has to deal with. I don't honestly mind though, because she has always been kind and generous to me.

As for spending the holiday, we don't live near either mom and I usually work on Mother's Day, so we don't see either one. I sent flowers to both.

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PeaNut 145,006
May 2004
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Posted: 5/10/2014 8:49:50 PM
I used to. MIL gave me a big (figurative) slap in the face recently so I'm done. If dh wants her to have one, he can do it.


PeaNut 123,049
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Posted: 5/10/2014 8:57:22 PM
I do. I sent flowers to both moms, that should have been delivered yesterday. I will also prompt him to call her tomorrow.

Meanwhile, last year he decided to just sit back and wait for our kids to do something for me (they were 14 and 17 at the time) and he's doing it again this year. I'm fairly certain that they are doing nothing. I'm not sure who I'm more disappointed in - him or them. Not really looking forward to tomorrow. But I guess I'll be able to get my laundry done.

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PeaNut 51,689
October 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 9:02:40 PM
DSO buys gifts for his side of the family for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers and Fathers Day, and I buy for my side. His gifts to his family are almost always gift vouchers!

On Mothers Day he has lunch with his family and I have lunch with my family. It was traditional for both of us before we were together so there is no point in changing it.


PeaNut 411,280
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Posted: 5/10/2014 9:36:34 PM
DH handles his mother. I used to when we were first together, but MIL let her bitch flag fly too many times. I stopped reminding DH to call and put the burden of cards and gifts for his family back on him. She realized too late why he called more frequently after meeting me and where the cards and gifts were really coming from.


PeaNut 380,372
June 2008
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Posted: 5/10/2014 9:44:44 PM
I make the actual purchase but DH and I always discus what we will get here first.


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PeaNut 543,185
February 2012
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:31:35 PM
Ya know. We let people do what they do to us. I think if my husband and kids were so thoughtless to not even mention Happy Mother's Day. I'd leave the kids with the husband, grab the keys and tell them you are treating yourself to Mother's Day. Maybe even add a snide remark like "thought you guys can spend the day thinking what it would be like if I weren't around!) I spent time with both my girls yesterday and today. My husband will get up in the morning and say call your Mom so we can take her to lunch or something. My sisters all asked me this week hat we were going to do for Mother's Day and I said whatever you want. It is a lot less expensive to take her out than for me to feed 30 people! I have to laugh though. When we don't all plan the day it's first come first one gets to take her. Works out good for her because she gets to eat out several times in the week following.


PeaNut 219,829
August 2005
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:34:13 PM
I do the bulk of the shopping. It doesn't bother me. I'm better at it.
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PeaNut 8,699
December 2000
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:37:52 PM
We each take care of our own moms.

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PeaNut 41,743
July 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:42:17 PM
I buy all gifts, except gifts that are me.

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PeaNut 31,549
March 2002
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Posted: 5/10/2014 10:47:56 PM
He does, ever since the birthday where I made her a scrapbook and she handed it back to me and said, "You keep it. I'd rather you just print me out the photos."

I don't care if it was the ugliest gift ever. You say thank you and act gracious. At least that's what I was taught.


PeaNut 407,791
January 2009
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:42:57 PM
I do. My dh wouldn't know what to buy and frankly wouldn't even think of it...I have to remind him to call her, most holidays. He does appreciate me buying her gift, though. I save his butt every time!

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PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
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Posted: 5/10/2014 11:46:40 PM
Dh buys all the gifts for his mom...Mother's Day, Valentines, Christmas, Birthday, etc. I might help him brainstorm ideas if he asks me, but, that's it...she's his mom. I wouldn't expect him to buy a gift for my mom.


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PeaNut 526,821
November 2011
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Posted: 5/11/2014 1:03:51 AM
I make her a card and he usually takes her to breakfast. She loves that.

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PeaNut 427,403
June 2009
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Posted: 5/11/2014 6:25:29 AM
When MIL was alive I did but I usually knew what she wanted. She looked after dd so I saw her every day, Dh and her usually only chatted once a week or so. I was LUCKY I had an amazing MIL and miss her very much.


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