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Brandy327
WWP
PeaNut 122,227
January 2004
Posts: 8,812
Layouts: 114
Loc: Nowhere, USA
 |  Posted: 7/26/2012 6:55:20 AM
I have a friend from my childhood (friends from basically 1st or 2nd grade)...and last night I noticed in my newsfeed on FB that another friend had accepted his friend request. I was REALLY excited because I'd looked him up previously on FB and while I had found an account for him, it seemed to be inactive. So I immediately friended him and he accepted.
Now, a little back story. All through middle and high school, he NEVER hung out with guys. He hung out with me and my group of girlfriends. He was constantly labelled as "gay" because of it, even though he always had a steady girlfriend (she went to a different school). None of us cared either way because we all loved him.
So I moved away in 1998 and I've only seen him once or twice since then. But about once a year, he would call and we'd catch up and chat. The last time we talked though was 2006. After that, he just seemed to disappear and I tried to get in contact with him but to no avail. It was very odd because we'd talked once a year for 8 years. Not getting a call from him was odd but I chalked it up to him being busy (he travels a LOT for his jo. After a couple of years, I figured he just didn't think the long distance friendship was worth the effort. I was sad...but well, it happens.
Last night I was SO excited when he friended me right away. I started looking through his photos (he has TONS of them). And I'm thinking that maybe he IS gay...which, ftr, I have absolutely NO issue with at all. I love this guy probably more than my own brother. He was one of the ONLY guys that has ever accepted me the way I am and loved me anyway.
I posted on his wall that I was really excited to "see" him there. In looking through his photos, I saw that he was less than 20 mins from me last year! So I mentioned to him that the next time he's out here, we HAVE to get together. He wrote back almost immediately and told me that we have a TON of catching up to do and he can't wait to do it.
So here's where my question comes in...if/when he does tell me he's gay, what's an appropriate response? I've never been in this position so I don't want to seem like an idiot. Do I say "I'm happy for you?", "Congratulations", "ok",...???
Thanks girls!! |
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elaynef
AncestralPea
PeaNut 55,678
November 2002
Posts: 4,614
Layouts: 99
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 6:57:13 AM
Just off the top of my head, I would say, "that's no problem for me!" Interested to see what the rest of the peas say. |
And the King will tell them, when you did it to one of the least of these,you were doing it to me.
http://enterwiththanksgiving.blogspot.com/
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LolaLayout
PeaAddict
PeaNut 544,018
February 2012
Posts: 1,330
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:02:50 AM
Eh, I don't know that I would make a big deal about the gay part. If he's telling you, "I'm gay," he probably wants to tell you about his boyfriend, but feels like he has to pretense it with an explanation.
If he says, "I'm gay," just smile and be bubbly and ask him if there's someone special in the picture. Then let him tell you all about his someone special. | |
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voltagain
OklaPhoma
PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
Posts: 35,148
Layouts: 15
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:04:54 AM
You are way over thinking it. And to me, comes off a little less than ok with it than you think you are.
People rarely just blurt out "I'm gay" Instead they talk about their life. He may tell you about his partner. And you respond in a socially appropriate manner of interest just as if Daniel was Daniella. Are they dating? How nice he found someone who ejoys his same passion for kyaking (or whatever hobby he enjoys) Are they living together? How wonderful he has someone to enjoy life with. Telling you about their wedding? Congratulations; just like any other couple. |
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Scrapalotomous
2 Headed Tasmanian Pea
PeaNut 106,860
September 2003
Posts: 6,067
Layouts: 24
Loc: The Apple Isle
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:06:15 AM
OH that is a tough one.
You want something to convey that you aren't uncomfortable, that you are accepting and non judgemental etc without sounding like a patronising wanker. "Awesome" or "Cool" just would not do and "So how is that working for you" is wrong on many many levels LOL.
I can't think of anything myself. I had the same awkward situation when someone recently told me that they had had breast cancer a couple of years ago. I could not think of a response that didn't sound unfeeling or just stupid (like "Congratulations" or " I am sorry" etc)
Hopefully others will be able to help you.
Hope the reunion is great and you rebuild that connection you obviously miss!! |
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mglb6
PeaNut
PeaNut 546,591
March 2012
Posts: 297
Layouts: 0
Loc: St. Louis
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:13:00 AM
Just off the top of my head, I would say, "that's no problem for me!" Interested to see what the rest of the peas say.
Um, I would not say that. No matter how good your intentions, that is probably no good because, well, why would/should it be a problem for you?
I wouldn't go with "Congratulations" either.
If he brought it up that way (as in, he said "I'm gay" rather than just started talking about his life, which IMO is more likely) I would say "Oh, okay." Like it was nothing/no big deal. Because it is definitely no big deal. |
mglb6
(Molly)
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett
"No matter how little money and how few possesions you own, having a dog makes you rich." - Louis Sabin
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moveablefeast
do justice, love mercy
PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
Posts: 11,133
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern Virginia
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:13:46 AM
You know, I've had several friends and family come out over the years. Sometimes it has been a bit of a surprise, but most of the time, it's been "Oh, okay. Could you please pass the ketchup?"
"Oh, and is there someone special in your life right now?" is probably fine.
I might skip "Gee, no kidding, huh? I figured that out 20 years ago."
"that's no problem for me!"
That's something I think is appropriate coming from a family member, but not somebody you haven't had contact with in many years and have seen once or twice in 15 years, no matter how close you were back in the day. | |
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Brandy327
WWP
PeaNut 122,227
January 2004
Posts: 8,812
Layouts: 114
Loc: Nowhere, USA
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:15:39 AM
Thanks girls!! And I love the idea of just asking if he has someone special in his life. He LOVES to talk so if I get him talking it'll be good!
Volt - I really am ok with it. I have other friends that are bi and/or gay and it's not an issue...but it was never "announced" so it's a situation I've never had to be in. |
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scrapaholicmt
I reject your reality & substitute my own
PeaNut 183,518
January 2005
Posts: 12,103
Layouts: 64
Loc: Big Sky Country
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:21:36 AM
I'm waiting for a time when "coming out" is not neccessary. When my good friend told me I said "I dye my hair". We then talked about jobs and relationships and travel and special interests. |
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,039
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:22:25 AM
I have had several gay friends come out to me but that was years ago. I doubt he is still in the coming out stages. I bet he will just talk about his life and you can figure it out if he is or isn't. When my guy friends did come out to me they were worried it would change how I felt about them. I just said "And?" If they told me they were worried how I would take it I said "I love you for you. Why on earth would I love you less or not want to be friends with you just because of your sexual orientation. I am pretty sure you don't just love me because I am straight."
My friends all had religious families so I don't know if that was why they were worried or not. This was in my 20's and before facebook. They just had to be reassured that it didn't change how I felt about them which was honestly sad to me. I guess not everyone felt the same way I did which really broke my heart. | |
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Nanner
AncestralPea
PeaNut 32,283
March 2002
Posts: 4,848
Layouts: 0
Loc: Alberta
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:34:09 AM
That's what I'd do. Just ask him if he has a special someone? |
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UkSue
AncestralPea
PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
Posts: 4,247
Layouts: 2
Loc: Greater London
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 7:42:14 AM
He knows you well so surely he would already assume that him being gay would not be a problem for you? In that case I doubt he will announce it. It will probably just become apparent, and you can then be very casual about it, as if you never knew any different. |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life
PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 42,259
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:52:11 AM
I don't know, he's an adult now, he's been out awhile, I don't think he's going to make an official accouncement to you. |
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Brandy327
WWP
PeaNut 122,227
January 2004
Posts: 8,812
Layouts: 114
Loc: Nowhere, USA
| Posted: 7/26/2012 7:57:12 AM
I really hope he doesn't feel the need to come out.
I'm sure I'll figure it out and just go with the flow. As someone pointed out, we've been friends a long time and if I do happen to say the wrong thing, I'm sure he'll forgive me. I'm just so excited for him to be back in my life! I've missed him! He's never met my husband or my kids so I'm really excited for him to be coming out here for business so he can meet everyone!! |
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KikiNichole
HandSlapPea Pea
PeaNut 69,597
February 2003
Posts: 27,046
Layouts: 2
Loc: Follow the Yellow Brick Road
| Posted: 7/26/2012 8:07:31 AM
You are way over thinking it. And to me, comes off a little less than ok with it than you think you are.
Actually, I like that Brandy is 'overthinking' it because I see her doing it as a way to make sure she responds with sensitivity and acceptance. And that's a pretty good friend, if you ask me.
But yeah...I like Jenny's response and I'd respond with a little humor too.
I hope y'all are able to get together soon. I actually get to meet up with my best friend from high school on Friday night. I haven't seen her in 23 years! So, there's at least ONE thing FB is good for. |
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*Jenny*
It's like the Twilight Zone
PeaNut 208,973
June 2005
Posts: 16,315
Layouts: 1
Loc: Pick up the phone. I'm always home. Call me anytime
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 8:10:22 AM
I too think you're putting way too much thought into this and trying to plan a response to a statement that I doubt will even come up seems far from genuine. |
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eebud
Doxie Pea Mom
PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
Posts: 31,028
Layouts: 25
| Posted: 7/26/2012 8:21:11 AM
Since I have been known to be somewhat direct with my good friends, I would probably say "Do you have a boyfriend?" if a guy friend announced to me that he was gay. That would open up the conversation for him to tell me about his life if he chooses. |
Hans on left, Bud in middle, Gretchen on right | |
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Emanon
PeaAddict
PeaNut 530,985
November 2011
Posts: 1,012
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 7/26/2012 8:23:58 AM
I guess I don't see what the big deal is? If he was straight would you need to come up with a response to that too? Personally I think if you make too big a deal about how accepting you are, it tends to feel disingenuous and planned. You haven't talked to him in a long time, just let the conversation take it's course and say what comes into your heart, not what you have planned in your head. | |
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MetalDancer
PeaAddict
PeaNut 328,901
July 2007
Posts: 1,825
Layouts: 1
Loc: I like calling North Carolina home!
| Posted: 7/26/2012 8:55:33 AM
I have a dear male friend who's gay. I was in love with him for all of my youth! lol Thought he was the cutest thing ever. My mom and his mom were good friends; He and I and his sister were all on the YMCA swim team together. He was affiliated with my church because we had a very active Boy Scout program. (He's an Eagle scout) He also sang with our church's youth choir. There were always rumors that he was gay, but I dismissed them. I was 13/14 and madly in love with him. We actually went out on a date when I was 16. I could have died right then I was so happy.
Well, time passes, we grow up and move away. I think I always knew that he was indeed gay, but I didn't care. Anyway, our church youth group decided to have a reunion, sing at morning worship at my childhood church, them put on a program after lunch. We got together for rehersal the Saturday before and I was SO happy to see him. We hadn't seen each other since his father's funeral.
So we're sitting there talking and he says, "I've got a friend coming to church tomorrow to hear us sing." I said, "That's great - can't wait to meet them." Then he looks at me and said, "Lisa Lynn, my friend is a man." I took hold of both of his hands and said, "Joe", I've loved you since I was 13 years old. Do you really think I care if your "friend" is male or female?" Well, his eyes filled with tears and he hugged me tight. It was like he needed MY approval. Sunday morning comes and his friend comes and sits in the back. We were down close to the front. I told him to go get his friend and have him sit with us. I was introduced as his "childhood sweetheart" and we shook hands. Then I told the friend that "to get to him, you've gotta get thru me!" LOL
I guess I said all that to say this...He was my friend from childhood. He was the same boy I've always known. In fact, one of our other choir-mates came up to me later on and said You know "Joe" is gay, don't you? My response was "and that affects me how?"
You know your friend - just go with the flow. It will be okay. |
Lisa =^..^=
"What fresh hell is this?" Sheldon Cooper | |
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Brandy327
WWP
PeaNut 122,227
January 2004
Posts: 8,812
Layouts: 114
Loc: Nowhere, USA
| Posted: 7/26/2012 9:13:41 AM
Thanks for all the support girls. I know in the end everything will be good. I can't wait to find out when he's going to be in my neck of the woods so we can hang out and catch up! I haven't seen him in 14 years or so! I can't wait for him to meet my hubby and kids! |
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Anna in TX
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 23,002
October 2001
Posts: 2,097
Layouts: 11
Loc: TX
| Posted: 7/26/2012 9:20:01 AM
When one of my dearest friends told me she is gay, it was in a phone call. I could tell that she was anxious and so just told her "Just say it." She said she was in a relationship with a woman. I said, "Tell me all about her." And that was that.
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scoobers
Why, YES!, I am a princess.
PeaNut 417,049
March 2009
Posts: 12,860
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 7/26/2012 9:41:24 AM
What about something like this:
Friend: "I wanted to tell you that I'm gay" (or something like that)
You: "Are you happy?"
Friend: "yes"
You: "then I'm happy too. Tell me about your partner"
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MotherofJackals
Turning holy water into wine
PeaNut 27,168
January 2002
Posts: 22,122
Layouts: 27
Loc: Hanging out by the state line
| Posted: 7/26/2012 9:44:45 AM
So here's where my question comes in...if/when he does tell me he's gay, what's an appropriate response? I've never been in this position so I don't want to seem like an idiot. Do I say "I'm happy for you?", "Congratulations", "ok",...???
I'd say "I'm glad you feel close enough to me to tell me that, I've always felt you were a great friend and I love you" (((big hug))) | |
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Brandy327
WWP
PeaNut 122,227
January 2004
Posts: 8,812
Layouts: 114
Loc: Nowhere, USA
| Posted: 10/3/2012 10:11:42 PM
I just wanted to update everyone...he sent me a message today on FB and said "You know I'm gay right?"
I replied simply "I suspected. " And then I asked if he had someone special in his life. He replied back with a picture and a little bit about him. I replied back and told him that he's always been my bud and always will be. And if he's happy, then I'm happy.
Thanks for all the advice girls!! |
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Idahopea
AncestralPea
PeaNut 118,464
December 2003
Posts: 4,192
Layouts: 0
Loc: Idaho
| Posted: 10/4/2012 1:14:44 PM
Great update! I had a more embarrassing experience once. Someone that I knew in a professional way, but not in a personal way, was telling me something about her spouse who had a name that could be either male or female and I said something about well, it is nice that he could... and she jumps in with "SHE." I didn't quite know what to do so I just changed the he to she and kept on with the thought. I had no idea she was gay, nor did it bother me that she was, but I think she kind of enjoyed putting me in that uncomfortable spot that day even though I did not have any way to know that information prior to our conversation. I do try to be more aware and not assume that someone's spouse is the opposite sex now which is what she was probably hoping to accomplish. | |
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